Conflicting Emotions
I’m not one to write a reflecting back on the year type of post. But, I have never before experienced a year filled with so many conflicting emotions. Maybe you’ve felt the same? Some of mine have been terror but peace, heartache but happiness, guilt but appreciation, fear of what the future will bring, but hope for a miraculous future.
I know God wants me to feel thankful, not guilty. I’m working on that. But it’s hard not to feel guilty for having a job I enjoy and great health, when there’s a pandemic taking other’s jobs and lives by the minute. Then today, I practically jumped up and down (my old, arthritic knees kept me from really doing that, but inside, I was JUMPING) when I opened the mailbox and saw the review copy of my book inside; while just last night, I couldn’t sleep because I worried about all the people who must be wondering how in the world they will pay rent, buy food, and everything else, when their unemployment runs out. I imagine I’m not the only one struggling with conflicting emotions.
I’m very thankful for my faith in God. And although I don’t understand why so many people have suffered this year – mentally from loss of loved ones, physically from illnesses, or financially from the pandemic; I do believe that someday I will sit beside God and get the answers to my questions, and then I’ll understand. I also believe that the answers will be deeper than I ever could have understood while here on earth. Until then I will pray with my whole heart for all who are hurting. I’ll pray for peace and healing for you and for the people you love.
Has this year made you feel helpless, too? Helpless and conflicted, boy am I a mess! I’ve decided the best thing I can do is to count my blessings every second, but also watch for ways where I can somehow brighten other’s days. I’m sure it will be in small ways for now, but who knows what God has planned for me to be able to help others.
May God bless you always.
Kidsillio 